so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize