Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
