I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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