what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
