i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
