We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize