I'm jealous of your bromance
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
