just tell him i said nine months
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
