I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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