dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
