took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
