i jhust puked up my retainher.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
