Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
