Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
