"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
