Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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