i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize