i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
