There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
