apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
