and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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