i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
