I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
