She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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