he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
