Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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