we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
