it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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