i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize