too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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