I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
