dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
