New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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