Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
