I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I will pee on everything he values.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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