Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
