Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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