OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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