I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
