I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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