Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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