Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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