What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
