Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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