I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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