and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
