Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
