I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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