On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
