Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
