I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
