I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
