Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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