i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
