well I can't set my house on fire every night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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